OUTBURST!!!

Don't make decisions when you're angry, sad or happy because they can deceive you. Make decisions when you are at ease and at peace.

I am fed up being treated unfairly. I know life's not fair but this is too much. I am at my peak and somehow I can't rationalize as to why they are treating me like this. I am a good person and I treat them kindly and as opposite as to how they treat me. I guess everybody has their own boiling point. And I just exploded. Literally burst out into tears and my anger took control of me and my emotions affected my behavior.

Questions began to cloud up my mind.. "What have I done to deserve this?" "Why is it so hard to deal with them?" "Why is it unfair?" "Why is it always me?" "Why do I need to please them?" "Why did you allow this to happen?" "Is this the end or a bend?" "Lord I don't know how or what to do now." "How can I overcome this?"

I asked God because I couldn't understand or rationalize it anymore. I felt so tired and somehow I couldn't carry the baggage any longer. I felt I couldn't continue living with this hurt and accepting the present and the reality. It was then finally when I admitted that there's something wrong and that God remains under control.

You see, I am hardworking and I never count my efforts nor tried to compare. I am trying to embrace the job that I am in despite the challenges and difficulties that I always experience. I always give my best but sometimes some people just act like they don't care and that they're selfish. I felt working alone and doing everything to please them and I felt tired. Somehow I lost interest and I didn't feel happy anymore. I always humble myself and I chose not to say anything I against them. I would always put myself least among them. I chose not to say anything and I tend to be quiet. So basically I suppressed every emotion deep within me. I kept it all in my heart all the unfair treatment, work pressure, stress, complaints, accepting different responsibilities, racial discrimination, false judgment, anger and perhaps everything. I had complaints that I couldn't voice out and God sees and knows that.

It was during this week that I gave up. I burst out because I felt embarrassed as they were teasing me as I took a picture of them. Of course I also want to be in the pictures too. I took it thrice and I assumed that it was my turn. But then again they did it and told me again til I felt being laughed at. I couldn't handle it anymore and I just walked out. I burst out into tears and that's where I questioned God. You see, I have memories during my school years that still hurt me when I am being laughed at. I guess it's my fear and I felt ashamed and embarrassed when everybody is laughing at me (or maybe not) but I am extremely affected. I am a type of person who fears being embarrassed and laughed at by many and I would just cry like baby. I easily cry because I can't handle the feeling of being embarrassed. I myself couldn't explain why I'm like that.

I went home burdened and angered. I tried to listen to songs to calm me down. I even cried in the cr of MOE because I couldn't hide it anymore. I felt I needed to let it out and there I was bursting out and crying to God. Then it all boils to one point and when things started to cool down and as I was relaxing, I felt I made a wrong decision but I had to do it because it's too much for me to hide. I can't describe the kind of face and aura I had during that time. All I know is I was angered and I was depressed. God never failed to comfort me and I found myself talking to Him. It was not long before I reached home that I was at peace. God removed my anger and frustrations and He lifted me up. And as I became aware I realized I lost my NOL card. I then noticed that I have been losing things because I was unaware and negligent. I guess I choose to be lax and lazy or maybe just tired?? I never realized that I was changing or yet maybe reverting to the old "me".     

God gives and God takes. I guess when you don't know how to value something then maybe God takes it away to give it to someone who's deserving or someone who's in need. I felt sad but then I know that it's a lesson I should learn and God will bless me with something better.

I learned that, sometimes people are meant to maybe teach, mend, bend or break you as a person for a reason!!! :)) Nothing just happens! :)

"Everything became clear because my eyes were washed away with tears."

I felt ok and now I realized it now. Everything's clear to me. Thank you Lord for making me understand. I know You are sharpening me to be able to write better. I surrender this all to you. Let your will be done. Have your way!

I found comfort through God's word in Psalm 23