Don't make decisions when you're angry, sad
or happy because they can deceive you. Make decisions when you are at ease and
at peace.
I am fed up being treated unfairly. I know life's not fair but this is too much. I am at my peak and somehow I can't
rationalize as to why they are treating me like this. I am a good person and I
treat them kindly and as opposite as to how they treat me. I
guess everybody has their own boiling point. And I just exploded. Literally
burst out into tears and my anger took control of me and my emotions affected
my behavior.
Questions began to cloud up my mind.. "What
have I done to deserve this?" "Why is it so hard to deal with
them?" "Why is it unfair?" "Why is it always me?"
"Why do I need to please them?" "Why did you allow this to
happen?" "Is this the end or a bend?" "Lord I don't know
how or what to do now." "How can I overcome this?"
I asked God because I couldn't understand or
rationalize it anymore. I felt so tired and somehow I couldn't carry the
baggage any longer. I felt I couldn't continue living with this hurt and
accepting the present and the reality. It was then finally when I admitted that
there's something wrong and that God remains under control.
You see, I am hardworking and I never count my efforts
nor tried to compare. I am trying to embrace the job that I am in despite the
challenges and difficulties that I always experience. I always give my best but
sometimes some people just act like they don't care and that they're selfish. I
felt working alone and doing everything to please them and I felt tired.
Somehow I lost interest and I didn't feel happy anymore. I always humble myself
and I chose not to say anything I against them. I would always put myself least
among them. I chose not to say anything and I tend to be quiet. So basically I
suppressed every emotion deep within me. I kept it all in my heart all the
unfair treatment, work pressure, stress, complaints, accepting different
responsibilities, racial discrimination, false judgment, anger and perhaps
everything. I had complaints that I couldn't voice out and God sees and knows
that.
It was during this week that I gave up. I burst out
because I felt embarrassed as they were teasing me as I took a picture of them.
Of course I also want to be in the pictures too. I took it thrice and I assumed
that it was my turn. But then again they did it and told me again til I felt
being laughed at. I couldn't handle it anymore and I just walked out. I burst
out into tears and that's where I questioned God. You see, I have memories
during my school years that still hurt me when I am being laughed at. I guess
it's my fear and I felt ashamed and embarrassed when everybody is laughing at
me (or maybe not) but I am extremely affected. I am a type of person who fears
being embarrassed and laughed at by many and I would just cry like baby. I
easily cry because I can't handle the feeling of being embarrassed. I myself
couldn't explain why I'm like that.
I went home burdened and angered. I tried to listen
to songs to calm me down. I even cried in the cr of MOE because I couldn't hide
it anymore. I felt I needed to let it out and there I was bursting out and
crying to God. Then it all boils to one point and when things started to cool
down and as I was relaxing, I felt I made a wrong decision but I had to do it
because it's too much for me to hide. I can't describe the kind of face and
aura I had during that time. All I know is I was angered and I was depressed.
God never failed to comfort me and I found myself talking to Him. It was not
long before I reached home that I was at peace. God removed my anger and
frustrations and He lifted me up. And as I became aware I realized I lost my
NOL card. I then noticed that I have been losing things because I was unaware
and negligent. I guess I choose to be lax and lazy or maybe just tired?? I
never realized that I was changing or yet maybe reverting to the old
"me".
God gives and God takes. I guess when you don't know how to value
something then maybe God takes it away to give it to someone who's deserving or
someone who's in need. I felt sad but then I know that it's a lesson I should
learn and God will bless me with something better.
I learned that, sometimes people are meant to
maybe teach, mend, bend or break you as a person for a reason!!! :)) Nothing
just happens! :)
"Everything became clear because my eyes
were washed away with tears."
I felt ok and now I realized it now. Everything's
clear to me. Thank you Lord for making me understand. I know You are sharpening
me to be able to write better. I surrender this all to you. Let your will be
done. Have your way!
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| I found comfort through God's word in Psalm 23 |
